my roommate was sleeping during a twins game in May of 2008

The starting rotation: what would you do?

Put yourself in Ron Gardenhire's shoes for a second. You manage a professional team that is beginning a potentially promising season, and you have some tough decisions to make. Some key players on your roster have been bitten by the injury bug, including your number 1 starter who you have penciled into the lineup for opening day and your number 3 hitter who has won two batting titles in the pats 3 seasons and is arguably the best defensive catcher in the game.

You are looking at the first five games on the schedule and your five starting pitchers, and trying to decide the optimal way to line those pitchers up. There are many factors to consider. For example, here is a list of where the next 5 games will be played, in the order in which they will be played:

Game 1: Indoors in the Metrodome.
Game 2: Indoors in the Metrodome, where there is no wind.
Game 3: Indoors in the Metrodome, where knuckleballer Tim Wakefield likes to pitch.
Game 4: Indoors in the Metrodome, where the Twins have publicly stated they expect knuckleballer R.A. Dickey to have success because of the lack of wind (the reason that knuckleballers love to pitch indoors).
Game 5: Outdoors in the "Windy City", so-called because there tends to be a lot of wind there, which is bad for knuckleballers and the teams for which they pitch.

Here is a list of our 5 starters while Scott Baker is on the disabled list:

Pitcher 1: not a knuckleballer.
Pitcher 2: does not throw a knuckleball.
Pitcher 3: throws a few pitches, none of them a knuckleball.
Pitcher 4: no idea how to throw a knuckleball.
Pitcher 5: throws knuckleball.

If you haven't guessed yet what to do, or what Gardenhire did, I'll leave you with the following quote from Kelly Theiser of MLB.com:

"Knuckleballer R.A. Dickey battled through five innings in his first start with the Twins, allowing three runs on four hits. With temperatures in the high 30s at first pitch and winds gusting up to 22 mph out to center field, it was less than ideal conditions for the knuckleball. "

"Ricky is Your Tutor" a monologue by Rickey Henderson

I submitted this to McSweeneys.  They didn't publish it.  I will publish it here instead.

“Rickey is doing well since Rickey stopped playing baseball.  Rickey is still the best.  Rickey learned to use the internet. Rickey likes to read ‘missed connections’ on craigslist.  Other times Rickey finds job postings.  One ad said, ‘Tutor needed.  Help our son reach his full potential.’  Rickey thought, ‘Rickey can do that.’  So Rickey called that little boy’s parents and Rickey told them, ‘Rickey’s the greatest.’  They had no choice but to hire Rickey.  Before Rickey hung up the phone Rickey told them, ‘Your son will not be the greatest because Rickey is already the greatest, but your son will be greater than he would have been if Rickey didn’t call you.  Please thank Rickey before Rickey hangs up.’  The little boy’s parents said thank you and told Rickey their little boy’s name was Mark.  Rickey said he had never known anyone named Mark.  Rickey said, ‘Rickey don’t like that name. Please tell your son his name is Rickey Jr.’ There was a moment of silence.  Rickey does not like awkward pauses on the phone so Rickey hung up.  Of course, Rickey realized Rickey had forgotten to negotiate Rickey’s contract.  Rickey called the parents back and said, ‘This is Rickey calling as Rickey’s agent on behalf of Rickey.  Rickey wants a million dollars.’  They said they’d pay Rickey $20 per hour.  Rickey said, ‘Okay,’ because Rickey has to eat and just because Rickey is only making $20 doesn’t mean Rickey isn’t still the greatest. 

“The first day Rickey Jr. was asking all these questions about denominators and logarithms.  Rickey told the child it had to shut up.  Rickey said, ‘Who’s teaching who?’  Rickey Jr. was quiet.  Rickey told the child, ‘Rickey never needed denominators and logarithms.  If you want to be the best like Rickey then you won’t need them either.’  Rickey Jr. said he had a test on Monday.  Rickey was tired and said, ‘Rickey to the base 130 is 1982 because Rickey stole 130 bases in 1982.’

“Rickey Jr.’s parents were upset that Rickey Jr. failed his test.  They called Rickey.  Rickey answered the phone and said, “This is Rickey’s answering machine.  If you’re calling for Rickey please tell Rickey why you’re calling Rickey’s house and maybe Rickey will call you back.”  Rickey then said ‘Beep’ and hung up the phone.

“The second tutoring session went better.  Rickey Jr. had a report on Uranus.  Rickey said, ‘Rickey has never heard of that planet.  Rickey don’t think Uranus exists.  The only two planets that Rickey knows exist are the moon, the sun, and planet Rickey.  Rickey think Uranus is a concept similar to the exponent which the base must be raised to in order to produce the MVP award Rickey won in 1990.  Rickey thinks nothing your teacher tells you is real and that she makes up these concepts to keep you busy so she can have a job.  She is jealous that Rickey is the best and doesn’t need to make up mathematical theories or planets to get little children to pay Rickey $20 for Rickey’s autograph.  You tell your teacher Rickey told you he’s the greatest and that he’s never heard of ‘Uranus’.  You tell her it’s impossible that such a place exists because if it did then the greatest person in the world would know of it.  The greatest person being Rickey.’ 

“Rickey Jr.’s parents called Rickey again.  Rickey did not like their yelling.  Rickey said, ‘Rickey is naked right now standing in front of the mirror looking at naked Rickey.  Naked Rickey just told Rickey he’s the best.  Naked Rickey thinks you should leave a message after the beep telling Rickey he’s the best.’  Rickey then said ‘Beep’ and hung up the phone.  Rickey Jr.’s parents did not leave a message.  Rickey Jr. stopped coming for his tutoring sessions.  Rickey Jr. will never play for the Oakland Athletics on four different occasions.  Rickey Jr. will never be the greatest because I am the greatest.”

The Birth of Ron Gardenhire

On Monday Ron Gardenhire woke up and said, “I am not anyone’s mother.” Monday didn’t hear Ron Gardenhire. Monday was tired of hiding. Monday said, “Someone once told me there was a place where it is always Monday.” Monday did not believe himself. He thought he was lying. His doubts manifested in the form of an egg. The egg clucked. It tried to say, “My name is Monday.” The egg had no mouth. Monday said, “Are you a chicken or an egg?”  Ron Gardenhire frowned.

Roads exist in this story. Eggs are the descendents of the existence of roads in this story. Many people are confused and still ask what came first.  Ron Gardenhire laughs, but isn't sure why.  A good number of students base their senior thesis on the idea of God being a chicken. Seminars discuss dichotomy in nature. Students screamed for duality. A few continue to cheer for the chicken.  Ron Gardenhire has a pennant that says 'Chicken'.  A professor stands up and walks to the blackboard. He picks up the chalk and writes, “The road or the egg.” He underlines ‘road’ twice. The egg clucks. Everyone laughs. When they stop laughing the egg is gone.  Ron Gardenhire is sitting in the corner naked.
The egg has gone to visit his brother. Ron Gardenhire and the egg's brother don't live in the desert anymore. Monday says, “There is a place where everyone is breakfast. Someone once ate me with pancakes in Derek, Kansas.”  Ron Gardenhire smiles when he hears the word 'Pancakes'.  The egg remembered reading of a place where 76 % of the population had the same name. Monday said, “There is a place where everyone has the same name.”

No one in Minnesota has the same name. No one in Minnesota is named ‘Ron Gardenhire’. Everyone is named ‘sand pit.’ Minnesota has three Ron Gardenhires. One is a vegetarian. There are roads in Minnesota. When I was young I tried to count all the roads in Minnesota. I sat in my closet and counted to zero then fell asleep or maybe I lost interest when my grandfather drove me to a sandpit, told me to get out, closed the passenger door, and said, “Grow up,” before driving off. Three sandpits in Minnesota are named ‘Ron Gardenhire.’ There are thousands of sand pits in Minnesota. None of them are vegetarian.

Monday said, “I would like to change my name.” Bald figurines thought this was a good idea, but they did not have eyebrows and forgot who was talking. They tried to touch their heads and ask the passing roads what happened to their hair. They had no hands. They had no mouths.

The egg tried to say, “I’ll be Monday and you can be egg,” but gave up and thought, “I am a bald figurine.”  Ron Gardenhire said, "I have hair."

I did not like to see the egg like this. I switched on the incubator. I forgot what an incubator was supposed to do. Regardless, the egg did not cooperate. It rotated its head completely around and surprised everyone by eating a road.  The road was both Ron Gardenhire and Monday. No scientific explanations were offered. Conspiracy theories found their way into the editorial pages of high school newspapers. Monday died as both a road and as a Ron Gardenhire. It was either his first death or the 10,000th time he died. Those are the only two options. Nine months later Monday returned to the world as an egg. The cycle of life was complete. There was no longer a dilemma of what came first. The first thing Monday did was change his name to Ron Gardenhire. The judged waved and said, “Goodbye Monday.”

The End

Oh yeah, Fuck you Aaron for trying to make this a serious blog.  The Twins probably won't do the right thing, live with it.

On a more serious note...

This is an important offseason for the Minnesota Twins (so important that I'm going to revive this blog with a post that is not a complete joke). The Twins have a lot of talented young players, and are a late-inning reliever and an everyday right-handed 3B with a good bat away from being one of the best teams in baseball. They also have an apparent log-jam of outfielders, one of whom they might be tempted to trade in order to acquire the pieces they need.

Last offseason, we learned that Bill Smith is not nearly as gun-shy as his predecessor when it comes to making big deals. That might be a good thing, and only time will tell whether those trades were good ones or not, but it would be a lie to say, at this point, that they have worked out in the Twins' favor. Will the GM be afraid to pull the trigger again? Will he be eager to unload some of the pieces of those trades that have looked particularly awful? We might know the answer to that question sooner than later, and this is why the current offseason is so important.

Ron Gardenhire has publicly stated that he wants an outfield of Cuddyer, Span and Gomez next year. Barring the possibility that he is purposefully making such statements in order to inflate Cuddyer's trade value or something equally sneaky, this means that he and Bill Smith are actually considering either using Young in a backup role or trading him. Both would be huge mistakes, given that the Twins are unlikely to receive good value for Young right now.

Delmon Young was one of the best hitters on the team last year, despite having a dissapointing season. Carlos Gomez was the worst. Both are extremely young, with huge upside. The most obvious, almost painfully obvious, choice is to let Carlos Gomez start the season in AAA. He will not be valuable to a major league club until he learns how to get on base at a rate that is close to average, not swing at every slider in the dirt, and successfully steal bases. Last year he showed, for an entire season, that he cannot do any of these things at the major league level. The Twins wasted an entire year of service time letting him "learn" last summer. Let's not make the same mistake again. At this rate Carlos Gomez will be arbitration-eligible before he is major league ready. That gives the Twins very little chance to get good production out of him while paying him much less than he is worth. Franchises like ours need to be smarter than this.

The next most obvious choice, if Gardy and Smith really can't stomach the idea of sending Gomez down, is to trade Michael Cuddyer. He is actually earning real money thanks to the contract he signed last offseason, and by earning I mean he was injured the whole summer and has had one good offensive season (2006) in his entire career. That injury, in fact, proves exactly why we need to start Carlos Gomez in the minors. Remember last year when we seemed to have the usual glut of weak-hitting middle infielders? Matt Tolbert was playing every day and we weren't even sure what the Twins would do when Everett came off the DL. Punto was still on the roster, of course, and Brendan Harris was having trouble turning the DP at 2B. And then there was Alexi Casilla hitting the cover off the ball in the minor leagues. Once you factor in Lamb in the majors and Buscher at AAA, we didn't have anywhere to put all these guys. And yet there were points in the season when it was difficult to put an infield together. Injuries happen every year. With probability 1.

Sometime before July Cuddyer, Kubel, Young, or Span will probably go on the DL for a little while. I'd much rather be bringing Gomez up to play everyday than fielding Span in left, Gomez in center and Pridie in right when Cuddyer gets hurt again. There is no log-jam in the outfield. There is just an obvious choice to be made. Here's hoping the front office makes it.

Gardy to Punto: You're already a great player to me

"A couple years ago, he wasn't starting, and he came along pretty good in this role," Gardenhire said. "Maybe this clears his mind a little bit, so he's not worried about going 0-for-3 every day, and he'll come back and be a great player. He already is to me because he's so valuable everywhere you play him."( from the strib)

Scene: Nick Punto and Ron Gardenhire share a candlelight dinner for two after the 2007 season.

Nick (forlorn): ...I just want to be a great player...

Ron (reassuring): You already are to me, Nick. You already are to me.

Their eyes locked, the two mens' faces inch towards each other as the lights fade to black.

Fin

Oh my darling hummingbird

La Velle E. Neal III gives us this gem of an article full of the cute quotable Gardenhire we all love. One can't help but beam with joy and feel warm all over after reading Gardenhire's nickname for rookie Matt Tolbert.
"Hummingbird"
Maybe even better is how Mr. Neal III just sticks the quote in the middle of the article. The previous quote from Tolbert's minor league manager, Riccardo Ingram, kind of explains the Gardenhire hummingbird quote.
"The Latin players call him 'Eléctrico,' " Ingram said.
Still, the fact that the next line only has Gardenhire saying "hummingbird" leaves his meaning a little ambiguous.
Of course, this post isn't meant to criticize Mr. Neal's journalistic talent. No, it's to display the pure giddiness and love Gardenhire seems to have for this young buck Tolbert. And that's exactly what we get at the end of article when Mr. Neal decided to copy down Gardenhire's excited mumbles about the rookie verbatim.
"I said, 'You're on deck. You're hitting right now,' and he was still looking for his equipment. That's not normal. So he's fun."