The starting rotation: what would you do?

Put yourself in Ron Gardenhire's shoes for a second. You manage a professional team that is beginning a potentially promising season, and you have some tough decisions to make. Some key players on your roster have been bitten by the injury bug, including your number 1 starter who you have penciled into the lineup for opening day and your number 3 hitter who has won two batting titles in the pats 3 seasons and is arguably the best defensive catcher in the game.

You are looking at the first five games on the schedule and your five starting pitchers, and trying to decide the optimal way to line those pitchers up. There are many factors to consider. For example, here is a list of where the next 5 games will be played, in the order in which they will be played:

Game 1: Indoors in the Metrodome.
Game 2: Indoors in the Metrodome, where there is no wind.
Game 3: Indoors in the Metrodome, where knuckleballer Tim Wakefield likes to pitch.
Game 4: Indoors in the Metrodome, where the Twins have publicly stated they expect knuckleballer R.A. Dickey to have success because of the lack of wind (the reason that knuckleballers love to pitch indoors).
Game 5: Outdoors in the "Windy City", so-called because there tends to be a lot of wind there, which is bad for knuckleballers and the teams for which they pitch.

Here is a list of our 5 starters while Scott Baker is on the disabled list:

Pitcher 1: not a knuckleballer.
Pitcher 2: does not throw a knuckleball.
Pitcher 3: throws a few pitches, none of them a knuckleball.
Pitcher 4: no idea how to throw a knuckleball.
Pitcher 5: throws knuckleball.

If you haven't guessed yet what to do, or what Gardenhire did, I'll leave you with the following quote from Kelly Theiser of MLB.com:

"Knuckleballer R.A. Dickey battled through five innings in his first start with the Twins, allowing three runs on four hits. With temperatures in the high 30s at first pitch and winds gusting up to 22 mph out to center field, it was less than ideal conditions for the knuckleball. "

"Ricky is Your Tutor" a monologue by Rickey Henderson

I submitted this to McSweeneys.  They didn't publish it.  I will publish it here instead.

“Rickey is doing well since Rickey stopped playing baseball.  Rickey is still the best.  Rickey learned to use the internet. Rickey likes to read ‘missed connections’ on craigslist.  Other times Rickey finds job postings.  One ad said, ‘Tutor needed.  Help our son reach his full potential.’  Rickey thought, ‘Rickey can do that.’  So Rickey called that little boy’s parents and Rickey told them, ‘Rickey’s the greatest.’  They had no choice but to hire Rickey.  Before Rickey hung up the phone Rickey told them, ‘Your son will not be the greatest because Rickey is already the greatest, but your son will be greater than he would have been if Rickey didn’t call you.  Please thank Rickey before Rickey hangs up.’  The little boy’s parents said thank you and told Rickey their little boy’s name was Mark.  Rickey said he had never known anyone named Mark.  Rickey said, ‘Rickey don’t like that name. Please tell your son his name is Rickey Jr.’ There was a moment of silence.  Rickey does not like awkward pauses on the phone so Rickey hung up.  Of course, Rickey realized Rickey had forgotten to negotiate Rickey’s contract.  Rickey called the parents back and said, ‘This is Rickey calling as Rickey’s agent on behalf of Rickey.  Rickey wants a million dollars.’  They said they’d pay Rickey $20 per hour.  Rickey said, ‘Okay,’ because Rickey has to eat and just because Rickey is only making $20 doesn’t mean Rickey isn’t still the greatest. 

“The first day Rickey Jr. was asking all these questions about denominators and logarithms.  Rickey told the child it had to shut up.  Rickey said, ‘Who’s teaching who?’  Rickey Jr. was quiet.  Rickey told the child, ‘Rickey never needed denominators and logarithms.  If you want to be the best like Rickey then you won’t need them either.’  Rickey Jr. said he had a test on Monday.  Rickey was tired and said, ‘Rickey to the base 130 is 1982 because Rickey stole 130 bases in 1982.’

“Rickey Jr.’s parents were upset that Rickey Jr. failed his test.  They called Rickey.  Rickey answered the phone and said, “This is Rickey’s answering machine.  If you’re calling for Rickey please tell Rickey why you’re calling Rickey’s house and maybe Rickey will call you back.”  Rickey then said ‘Beep’ and hung up the phone.

“The second tutoring session went better.  Rickey Jr. had a report on Uranus.  Rickey said, ‘Rickey has never heard of that planet.  Rickey don’t think Uranus exists.  The only two planets that Rickey knows exist are the moon, the sun, and planet Rickey.  Rickey think Uranus is a concept similar to the exponent which the base must be raised to in order to produce the MVP award Rickey won in 1990.  Rickey thinks nothing your teacher tells you is real and that she makes up these concepts to keep you busy so she can have a job.  She is jealous that Rickey is the best and doesn’t need to make up mathematical theories or planets to get little children to pay Rickey $20 for Rickey’s autograph.  You tell your teacher Rickey told you he’s the greatest and that he’s never heard of ‘Uranus’.  You tell her it’s impossible that such a place exists because if it did then the greatest person in the world would know of it.  The greatest person being Rickey.’ 

“Rickey Jr.’s parents called Rickey again.  Rickey did not like their yelling.  Rickey said, ‘Rickey is naked right now standing in front of the mirror looking at naked Rickey.  Naked Rickey just told Rickey he’s the best.  Naked Rickey thinks you should leave a message after the beep telling Rickey he’s the best.’  Rickey then said ‘Beep’ and hung up the phone.  Rickey Jr.’s parents did not leave a message.  Rickey Jr. stopped coming for his tutoring sessions.  Rickey Jr. will never play for the Oakland Athletics on four different occasions.  Rickey Jr. will never be the greatest because I am the greatest.”