Ron Gardenhire <3 Pitchers and Catchers

It's no secret that Ron Gardenhire prefers to carry 12 pitchers on his 25-man roster, as well as 3 able catchers in just case Mike Redmond is injured during one of his starts after Joe Mauer has been already used as a pinch-hitter, an event so improbable that it is likely to cost the Minnesota Twins about one game every 20 or so years by my own back-of-the-envelope calculations. Obviously, this leaves a pretty thin bench given that backup catchers usually do not make the best pinch hitters or defensive replacements for positions other than catcher.

According to this article in the Pioneer Press, Mike Lamb will be able to serve as the third string catcher as well as the first string 3B, allowing the Twins an extra bench spot for a qualified major leaguer such as whoever comes in 2nd in the CF sweepstakes, fourth outfielder and possible fourth string catcher Craig Monroe (also a senior citizen if I am not mistaken), scrappy piranha Nick Punto, a poor man's David Eckstein (David Eckstein is in turn a rich man's replacement level AAA shortstop) or Brian Buscher , who maybe could fill in for catching duties if Mauer pinch hits, Redmond gets hurt, Lamb is sick with the Bubonic Plague, Craig Monroe is in CF filling in for an injured Carlos Gomez and Nick Punto is at 3rd filling in for Lamb and Jason Pridie is in right because Michael Cuddyer is not traveling with the team so that he can be with his wife when she gives birth to their first child. Other potential candidates for those bench spots:

Matt Lecroy, a fat fifth (at best) string catcher whose major league career was ruined by the fact that he has gout and 2/3 of the pitchers in MLB are not left-handed. Of course, a fat guy with gout really seems like Billy Beane's type so maybe he sticks with the A's.

Denard Span, who is currently facing the prospect of not even being the starting CF at AAA. If he knows what's best for him he'll learn to catch or become a weak-hitting middle infielder (he's halfway there, as he is already a particularly weak hitter).

Jose Morales, because his actual position is catcher.

Alexi Casilla, a middle infielder who, given his inexperience, will probably hit weakly enough to be given a shot at the leadoff spot provided he plays adequate defense.

So Long Luis

Gardenhire seems excited at the prospect that he'll have someone who isn't Luis Rodriguez as his main pinch hitter.
"[Luis] was a good hitter and put the ball in play," Gardenhire said. "But you want to walk up there and think that you'll have a chance..."
Sure, I misquoted Gardenhire by not providing the full quote, but I think when read this way we understand his true feelings. Also, let's not forget about the beginning of this quote where Gardenhire admits that all it takes to be a good hitter on the Twins is to put the ball into play. And people were probably wondering how Mr. Luis Rodriguez was still on the team, let alone their top option off the bench late in the game, when he only turned in a .219 AVG and .281 OBP.
Oddly enough, one of the players Gardenhire is excited about also only hit .219 last year, but provides a bit more power than Luis. Hello, Craig Monroe. For some reason I want to call you Retarded Craig, but I will refrain and just call you Crug Moron. What I don't get though is if all it takes to be a good hitter on the Twins is an ability to put the ball into play (Luis struck out 14 times in 155 ABs, Monroe struck out 107 times in 392) then why would you basically trade two useless parts for each other when you originally had the better of the two (albeit by your own standards)?
Lastly, who exactly was Luis pinch-hitting for?
Smart money is on Punto, the man who volunteered to be the team's lead off hitter this year.

Ron Gardenhire <3 Nick Punto

If you are a Twins fan, you are already aware of Ron Gardenhire's nonsexual man-crush on all weak-hitting middle infielders, particularly Nick Punto. Why Gardy feels so strongly about Punto et al. I am not completely sure, but it may have something to do with his own career line of .232/.277/.296 as a utility infielder over 5 years with the New York Mets. And if you are a Twins fan with a vested interest in seeing the team score more than 600 runs this year, you are probably wondering what Gardenhire's well publicized infatuation with Nick Punto means for the 2008 starting lineup. Unfortunately, all signs point to Punto getting a lot of plate appearances (or asI like to call them, "automatic outs"), and that is good for no one except perhaps for Gardy's 50-year-old hard-on. Let's review the offseason developments that pertain directly to Nick Punto's role:

1) Twins deal Jason Bartlett to Devil Rays as part of the deal for Delmon Young

Great news for Punto (and his manager's erection) as now Nick can provide gold-glove caliber fielding every day at a defensively crucial position while batting 9th and hopefully raising his average to somewhere around .250. The Twins have a hole at 3B (later filled by the Mike Lamb signing) but they had one before as well. And they also have a probably every day 2B who can actually hit in Brendan Harris. Nice job Bill Smith!

2) Twins sign Adam Everett to one-year contract

This is a bad sign. Adam Everett is a fantastic defensive SS, better than Nick Punto. He is also an atrocious hitter, worse than Nick Punto. Last year he posted an OPS of .599 in the NL Central! That's disgusting! I am chocking down my own vomit just thinking about it! But he plays the most crucial defensive position except Catcher and he does it very well. Without Punto on the roster, I have no problem with this move, but as it stands we have to find somewhere else in the batting order for Ron Gardenhire's scrappy piranha boyfriend. Moreover, this move only makes sense if they want to play Punto at 2B! We all know how much Gardenhire loves defense, and given how bad Brendan Harris is at it (and how bad Mike Lamb is at third) w could be seeing a lot of Nick this summer at 2B or (god forbid) the hot corner.

Twins have trouble with Concordia, Gardenhire makes joke

The Twins struggled to pull out a win against Division II Concordia a few days back. They had to rally for a 7-5 victory.
Most of those five runs were allowed by new comer Phillip Humber who gave up four in one inning.
Gardenhire had this to say about the seven pitchers and Humber who took the mound.
"They were all pretty much around the plate. Juanie [Juan Rincon] was kind of all over. Humber was kind of all over ..."
wait for it...
wait...
patience...
"...the fence."
zing!
Mr. Gardenhire your jokes are too much for me. If I were a former weak hitting middle infielder, with a propensity to comfort young boys named Nick in their failures by continuing to write their name down on the lineup card at third base job then I may have crapped my pants at your humor, but I am not you. Only you are you and only you laughed at this joke. And later it was only you who walked out of your office with new pants on and told the clubhouse boy that there was a mess that needed to be cleaned up.
In related news: early findings have shown that Phil Humber is not Johan Santana. Small sample size need not apply.

Jesse Crain is Probably Human

The Star Tribune mentioned a small thing about Jesse Crain coming back from surgery. He threw off the mound against hitters for the first time, but it seemed Gardenhire could hardly care less and barely was able to form an opinion.

"He looked normal, like he was letting it go, and the ball was coming out really well," manager Ron Gardenhire said. "We have a long ways to go. There could be setbacks, but the first day was good."

To me it just sounds like he's saying:
Crain looked human. It looked like he was throwing a ball when he was throwing a ball, but then again he might not have been. Things might be different tomorrow.

Of course, Gardenhire had other things on his mind like the batting order, but that's been a painful process and he still seems to struggle with the basic understanding of how it works:

"You better have somebody behind [Morneau]..."

It is unclear if he was talking to reporters or himself.

First Post

Eisler Livan Hernandez has lived a remarkable life. Born into the state-sponsored poverty of a socialist dictatorship, he grew up as one of the lucky ones who were talented enough to play El Presidente’s favorite game in the Cuban baseball academies. He earned $6 a month playing in Cuba before defecting as a 19 year old while abroad with the Cuban national team in the fall of 1995. He made his MLB debut the very next year for the Florida Marlins as the youngest player in the NL. In his 12 seasons in the major leagues he has averaged over 200 innings pitched. He was the Rookie of the Year in 1997, as well as the World Series MVP, and he has been an All Star twice.

His brother, Orlando “El Duque” Hernandez defected as well, coming to the US on a raft with 5 other Cubans seeking asylum. He had to defect, as a meeting with an associate of his brother’s agent had led to a lifetime ban from Cuban baseball. Both brothers are pitchers, while their father Arnaldo Hernandez once played all nine positions for the Villa Clara Azucareros in the Cuban National Series. In the US, Livan developed a reputation as a great teammate who would often help younger players, going so far as to buy them dinner and jackets. His kindness paid off when in 1997 his teammates wrote a formal plea to Cuban officials that, coupled with negotiations between the two governments, led to a dramatic Game 7 World Series win in front of his own mother, the first and only time she would be allowed to travel to the United States.

His is the kind of story that makes you smile, especially when you are a Twins fan and you realize that, due to his recent signing, the Twins now have a starting pitcher on their 40 man roster who has pitched at least two full seasons in the majors (for the record, Boof Bonser is the only member of the rotation who has pitched even one without also pitching in AAA). So how does Ron Gardenhire show his appreciation for the newest addition to the team? How does he welcome the grizzled veteran, the workhorse of the staff who will be called upon to provide leadership to the talented but largely untested core of young pitching?

“We don't wear bling-blings on the field," Gardenhire said. "... I told him he can't wear those anymore. So he's game-on."

That’s from last Monday’s (February 18) Pioneer Press. In Gardenhire’s defense, he probably did not phrase the request in exactly that way, nor is there anything inherently wrong with having team rules such as no “bling-bling” (it is worth noting that Torii Hunter and Johan Santana are among Twins who have played under Gardenhire who have worn necklaces on the field that could legitimately be called “bling-bling”). Moreover, Gardenhire is probably blissfully unaware of how ridiculous is the straight-faced appropriation of the term “bling-bling” by the redneck 50-year old native Oklahoman who currently manages a team that over the years has been perhaps the whitest in the history of integrated professional baseball in the United States. To say Gardenhire “doesn’t get it” would be an understatement, one which could be applied to many other aspects of his job.

Maybe, with all the new faces in training camp, Gardenhire feels the need to lay down the law and show the new guys who’s boss. After all, this off-season the Twins traded for a 22-year old who is most famous for throwing his bat at an umpire, let two faces of the franchise walk away to bigger contracts, and are now having trouble even getting some of their players into the country so they can report to Spring Training. He needs to let these kids know they can’t get away with whatever they want. Especially that Livan Hernandez guy. Even better if he can get a tough-sounding quote in the newspapers, just to prove that he has complete control over his men, even the rowdy Cubans.

Luckily for Gardenhire and the Twins, Livan Hernandez is “game-on”. Given his positive attitude and less-than-perfect command of the English language, he probably did not read Gardenhire’s words as an attempt by the manager to put him in his place, which is exactly how the quote comes across (he probably did not read them at all). Eager to please his new team he will take off the earrings, not throw bullpen sessions in a windbreaker, and abide by any other team rules of which Gardenhire kindly makes him aware. He will work hard to rebound from a bad year. He will try to play well for himself and for his teammates.

He will take until at least mid-April to realize that Gardenhire absolutely “doesn’t get it”, in the truest sense of the word.

Welcome to Minnesota Livan, meet your new Manager: