Ron Gardenhire <3 Nick Punto

If you are a Twins fan, you are already aware of Ron Gardenhire's nonsexual man-crush on all weak-hitting middle infielders, particularly Nick Punto. Why Gardy feels so strongly about Punto et al. I am not completely sure, but it may have something to do with his own career line of .232/.277/.296 as a utility infielder over 5 years with the New York Mets. And if you are a Twins fan with a vested interest in seeing the team score more than 600 runs this year, you are probably wondering what Gardenhire's well publicized infatuation with Nick Punto means for the 2008 starting lineup. Unfortunately, all signs point to Punto getting a lot of plate appearances (or asI like to call them, "automatic outs"), and that is good for no one except perhaps for Gardy's 50-year-old hard-on. Let's review the offseason developments that pertain directly to Nick Punto's role:

1) Twins deal Jason Bartlett to Devil Rays as part of the deal for Delmon Young

Great news for Punto (and his manager's erection) as now Nick can provide gold-glove caliber fielding every day at a defensively crucial position while batting 9th and hopefully raising his average to somewhere around .250. The Twins have a hole at 3B (later filled by the Mike Lamb signing) but they had one before as well. And they also have a probably every day 2B who can actually hit in Brendan Harris. Nice job Bill Smith!

2) Twins sign Adam Everett to one-year contract

This is a bad sign. Adam Everett is a fantastic defensive SS, better than Nick Punto. He is also an atrocious hitter, worse than Nick Punto. Last year he posted an OPS of .599 in the NL Central! That's disgusting! I am chocking down my own vomit just thinking about it! But he plays the most crucial defensive position except Catcher and he does it very well. Without Punto on the roster, I have no problem with this move, but as it stands we have to find somewhere else in the batting order for Ron Gardenhire's scrappy piranha boyfriend. Moreover, this move only makes sense if they want to play Punto at 2B! We all know how much Gardenhire loves defense, and given how bad Brendan Harris is at it (and how bad Mike Lamb is at third) w could be seeing a lot of Nick this summer at 2B or (god forbid) the hot corner.